Tuesday, July 26, 2011

An open address to Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and high spirits. I would like to congratulate you in advance on the upcoming Diamond Jubilee which will mark the 60th anniversary of your accession to the throne of several countries (2012).

One of the books residing on my bookshelf is Eating with Emperors by Jake Smith and he claims that Queen Mary, paramour of King George V, introduced a system for daily communication with the Royal Chef. This red leather bound book allows the Royal Chef to make menu suggestions and the Ruler to make amendments and any feedback necessary. The book further claims that you still uphold this fine tradition.

If I may be so bold your Majesty, I would like to table a suggestion to ensure you reach your much anticipated milestone as a fully prepared and complete individual. I think it is absolutely marvelous that you are a skilled enough to hunter to provide fresh pheasants for your own table (this is especially useful in a zombie apocalypse), an accomplished rider and patron to hundreds of charities ... but I don't think you have lived until you understand the joy of licking the remnants out of a bowl of uncooked cake batter.

There is nothing as delicious as making a cake and then fighting with your partner or sibling for the bowl or beaters. My favourite uncooked cake batter happens to be chocolate cake and I highly recommend using the full length of your index finger to scrap the circumference of the bowl. For a really clean job and to maximise the job, then a rubber or silicone spatula is the tool of choice. But if you happen to only receive the beaters, then you need to ensure that you switch off the power and remove them from the mix master. Take the beater and ensure you guide your tongue along each plane. Please note you will look silly, you may get batter on your face so I would recommend dismissing all commoners and servants. This activity should also be shared with a loved one who has a great sense of humour. Though Prince Harry looks like a hoot, I would perhaps opt for Prince Philip as there would be a more even match in strength, thus you may be able to capture the lion's share in this noble Australian past time. I do appreciate your majesty's consideration in this matter.

I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient subject,

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