A-MAIZE-ing

Anyone who has travelled with me will know just how jazzed I get when I find a corn vendor at a market. There are few things nicer than a stick of sweet corn with a generous dab of butter and seasoning on a brisk winter market morning. But did you know how a-MAIZE-ing (see what I did there? I'm so punny) corn actually be? Check out these amazing heirloom corn images.

A Modest Proposal

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled ..." - A Modest Proposal.

When I was a young lass, I presented this satirical piece in my English class much to the horror of my religious class mates. But now, thanks to a company called First Impression Moulds, you can make yourself the creepiest baby cake ever and carve up the little cherub. Nom nom nom.

The Witching Hour is upon us

Evonne Bean and her Mothership not only graced me with their fine company this afternoon but completely surprised me with this awesome undead cookie cutter stamper set. The witching hour is upon us and the only solution is surely to eat them before they eat you!

Bernard I ate your Bees

My running partner, Mister Spensley is currently working on Hansel and Gretel at the Brisbane Arts Theatre and somehow between the lines of Facebook banter, a bake off arose. I've always kept to the straight and narrow of baking, as after all: cooking is an art, whilst baking is a science. But dare I create a brand new concoction, put family name and my chef born blood on the line to defeat a mouthy upstart baking whelp? The answer is yes and I code named my project 'Bernard I ate your Bees (I am unashamed Black Books fan girl).' To complete my vision I procured two beautiful, loose base, miniature cheesecake pans from Wheel and Barrow and set about bring a two toned cake decorated with toffee and marzipan bees.

To begin I greased the pans (I didn't do this, but I highly recommend that you line the sides of the tins with greaseproof paper), preheated the oven to 180°c and blitzed 250g of plain chocolate biscuits and half a teaspoon of ground cinnamon in a food processor. When the mixture was fine I then combined it with 125g of melted butter until I had a wet sand consistency. I then even distributed this across both pans and popped them into the fridge to set for half an hour. While they were setting, I melted 125gms of dark chocolate in the microwave. Then beat two eggs and 75g of caster sugar in the mix master until they were creamy. I then added 375g of cream cheese, 1 tablespoon of cocoa powder, 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla essence and the melted chocolate into the mix master. I then evenly distributed this mixture across the pan. The chocolate mixture should reach no higher than the half way mark of the mould. Clean all the equipment and prepare for the vanilla layer.

To create the vanilla layer, beat 500g cream cheese, 2/3 cup caster sugar and one teaspoon of vanilla until smooth. Add two eggs, one at a time and then 1/2 cup of sour cream and distribute across the pans. Place in the oven to bake for 15 minutes, remove and allow the cheesecakes to cool. In the meantime prepare the sour cream topping by mixing 3/4 cup of sour cream and 1 tablespoon of caster sugar. Ladle the mixture on top of the cheesecakes and bake for a further 5 minutes and allow them to cool in the oven with the door ajar. Refridgerate overnight and remove from the pan. They look pretty good as is but to add that special touch make toffee shards (3/4 cup of caster sugar and 1/4 cup of water) and mazipan bees (dye mazipan yellow and use melted chocolate and flaked almonds to create the bees).

So did I win the bake off? I honestly don't know as I'm yet to receive my girlish tears of defeat from Spensley. But he did leave me with a parting shot, "the result doesn't matter as I get to eat anyway." Blast! I'll get you next time Spensley!

A Very Foodie Christmas

Wishing all my readers a very merry Christmas. Eat, drink and be buoyant in the ocean of wrapping paper!

As you can see from the photo my friends and family know me too well and quite a number of gifts revolved around food. I'm absolutely enamoured by all my gifts but the thing that really caught my attention was the box of Patrice Newell Garlic. So when you are next thinking about gifting something like an avocado slicer, maybe you could consider a gorgeous box of purple Australian garlic instead.

European Gingerbread Amusement

Engrish is often associated native speakers of East Asian languages and provides me with hours of entertainment. But I've finally found this glorious example of European Engrish on the back of a colleague's gingerbread assortment and I thought I would share. Enjoy!

• Delicious gingerbread cookies with a tinge of fig paste, orange skin and spices will send your taste buds into a blissful spin!
  


• Exclusive chocolate cubes combining the flavour of fruit jelly, gingerbread and persipan. Their aroma will bring back into your mind the atmosphere of family reunion.


• The mystery of fruity filling trapped in a soft and delicate gingerbread will tantalise everyone's pallet!


• Traditional gingerbread combing sweet flavour of honey, cloves, ginger and cinnamon.


• Exceptionally soft gingerbread with crispy sugar glazing dipped in delicate chocolate. Will just melt in your mouth!


• Exceptionally soft gingerbreads with crispy sugar glazing, dipped in delicate milk chocolate. Will just melt in your mouth.


• Cheerful, colourful and chocolateful - they taste just great!


• Spicy gingerbread men cast in a chocolaty spell.


• Honey-flavoured gingerbreads, great for afternoon tea!

The War on Consumer Stupidity

Now that I've neatly hopped over my first quarter of a century, I've got permission to be old. This means telling today's youth to speak in proper English and to cover up, grumbling about how unfortunate it is to be a useless sack of organs and becoming irrationally crotchety over small things. Keeping the latter in mind, I would like to declare war on consumer stupidity. Sure we like convenience and being an evil Marketing Overlord I snuggle filthy Capitalism close to my bosom every day, but can we stop and use some logic for once? Here are some of the worst offenders:

• Avocado related Faff: Things that fall under this category include the annoying Brand Power Lady spruiked AvoFresh and the Avocado Slicer. Please stop, the Avocado comes naturally packaged, it's just as quick to prepare it with a knife, contains no hidden nasties and at the risk of sounding like a smelly hippy. In Australia alone, we throw away more than one million tonnes of plastic waste a year. Keep walking, don't look.
  


• Milk Carton Holder: Having friends or trying to impress that special someone in your humble share house abode? Need to add that touch of depression era chic, well you need the Milk Carton Holder! But seriously, unless you are disabled, how difficult is it to pick up a carton?
  


• Slicing Dicing Paraphernalia: Want to spend more time cleaning? Choose from any one of these: Garlic Zoom (yes you have to peel the cloves before you dice them), the Herb Mill or Pizza Scissors.
  
  
• Eggcitement: Ensure those slippery little suckers don't get the better of you by using the Ez Cracker and then cooking them in the Egg Cuber!
  
  
• Perfect Soldiers: It must have been a boring year when this tool won the 2005 British Invention Show Gold Medal.
  
  
• Hot Dog Pop Up Toaster: Only in America.
  
  
• Kiwi Guard: A unique way to protect and enjoy your single precious daily Kiwi fruit. It even comes with a colour coordinated spoon! Noice!
  

An open address to Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and high spirits. I would like to congratulate you in advance on the upcoming Diamond Jubilee which will mark the 60th anniversary of your accession to the throne of several countries (2012).

One of the books residing on my bookshelf is Eating with Emperors by Jake Smith and he claims that Queen Mary, paramour of King George V, introduced a system for daily communication with the Royal Chef. This red leather bound book allows the Royal Chef to make menu suggestions and the Ruler to make amendments and any feedback necessary. The book further claims that you still uphold this fine tradition.

If I may be so bold your Majesty, I would like to table a suggestion to ensure you reach your much anticipated milestone as a fully prepared and complete individual. I think it is absolutely marvelous that you are a skilled enough to hunter to provide fresh pheasants for your own table (this is especially useful in a zombie apocalypse), an accomplished rider and patron to hundreds of charities ... but I don't think you have lived until you understand the joy of licking the remnants out of a bowl of uncooked cake batter.

There is nothing as delicious as making a cake and then fighting with your partner or sibling for the bowl or beaters. My favourite uncooked cake batter happens to be chocolate cake and I highly recommend using the full length of your index finger to scrap the circumference of the bowl. For a really clean job and to maximise the job, then a rubber or silicone spatula is the tool of choice. But if you happen to only receive the beaters, then you need to ensure that you switch off the power and remove them from the mix master. Take the beater and ensure you guide your tongue along each plane. Please note you will look silly, you may get batter on your face so I would recommend dismissing all commoners and servants. This activity should also be shared with a loved one who has a great sense of humour. Though Prince Harry looks like a hoot, I would perhaps opt for Prince Philip as there would be a more even match in strength, thus you may be able to capture the lion's share in this noble Australian past time. I do appreciate your majesty's consideration in this matter.

I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient subject,
Joanna

Ewwww Robert Pattinson!

A couple of days ago singing sensation Holly Throsby posted a tweet that left me giggling like a school girl. It seemed unbelievable that this could be truly printed onto a Fantales wrapper so I went on a fact finding missing to verify its existence (this meant rummaging through a whole packet of Fantales). Proof photographed above, ewww Robert Pattinson!

Brisbane Winter Festival

Tania of Awesome likes to keep her finger on the pulse, so when she forwarded an email deal where I could get two tickets to the Brisbane Winter Festival for $33, I snapped up the deal. The Brisbane Winter Festival is being held in King George Square until June 26, 2011 and features an outdoor skating rink and a number of European foodstalls selling Glühwein, Bratwurst, Poffertjes, Langos, Goulash, Woodfired Pizza, Churros and much to my Mother's grumbles Organic Donuts (Donuts don't grow on trees she says). Unfortunately the quality of the outdoor rink isn't there due to Brisbane's climate which ensures at least an inch of water covers the ice at all times (so if you come unbalanced you will have to wander the city looking like you have lost control of your bladder), the rink is uneven and you have to keep your eye open for rampaging fluro seals. These fluro seals can be hired so you can include your small children in this event (read this as prams on ice). I would be pretty disappointed if I paid $20 to skate, $7 to hire the ice skates ... but I didn't so I rather enjoyed the novelty of it all.

My deal was made even better when I was presented with two mugs containing virgin Glühwein. Glühwein is an extremely sweet but delicious spiced red wine drink. My recommendation would be to skate in an indoor rink, unless you really want to skate under the night sky and to purchase a mug and watch everyone hug the side of the rink and fall over. Glühwein is even more delicious with a side of schadenfreude.

Ode to the Oreo

Produced since 1912 by Nabiso, the Oreo is a biscuit comprising of cream sandwiched by two dense chocolate discs. It is universally loved and at one stage held the record for the post with the most 'likes' on Facebook before rapper Lil Wayne came along and crushed the Oreo's dream. To celebrate the Oreo's valiant attempt, I want to look into the mythos around this biscuit:

• Rumour has it is that Carnivals across the United States of America offer deep fried Oreos. At the time I couldn't understand it as the biscuit is already crisp and consider burnt cocoa as one of the worst tastes in the world. But it would seem that I am wrong as one blogger described the experience: "The Oreo loses it's hard crunchy texture and becomes a warm chocolately cake delight. The creamy center melts and creates an inner glaze."



• In 2007 Domino's offer an unforgiving public the Oreo Pizza. This comprised of a thin pizza base, icing and Oreo crumbs. I have tried to improve the concept in my head but any attempt always ends up with me removing the pizza component ... which defeats the purpose of an Oreo Pizza. To me the Oreo Pizza is like that mythical product, 'Toast on a Stick.' It's really hard to improve on the original, so just shut up and eat your Oreo.
  



• To successfully conquer the Chinese market, Oreos reduced the among of sugar and introduced the Oreo Wafer. Australian Oreos come from China and as a result I'm left wondering if Oreos look and taste any different in the United States of America. Drop me a line if you have the answer.
  



• Oreos come a variety of flavours and styles. Check them out of the Oreo wiki page.

That concludes my fact finding mission on Oreos and I think I'll have one for morning tea to increase today's world wide consumption of Oreos to twenty million, five hundred thousand and one biscuits.

Cupcake Parlour: Australia's Biggest Morning Tea Part 1

How adorable are these Cupcake Parlour limited edition Australia's Biggest Morning Tea Cupcakes?! All proceeds will be donated to Cancer Council Queensland and you can pick one up Thursday, May 26 from Shop 5/60 Vulture Street, West End. Whootie!

The Royal Wedding Cake

Even if you weren't one of the two billion people keeping an eagle eye on the recent British Royal Wedding you would have still been force fed images of the dress, the kiss and Princess Beatrice's heinous pretzel hat. Now that the majority of the chatter is over, I would like to draw your attention to the couple's wedding cake, created by Leicestershire-based cake designer Fiona Cairns. The wedding cake was a gorgeous multi-tiered traditional fruit cake decorated with the Joseph Lambeth technique. The Lambeth Method is a popular wedding cake decorating method and uses intricate piping work to create flowers and delicate filigree patterns and you can view photos of the cake here. However the thing I'm most chuffed about is Prince William specially commissioning this McVities chocolate biscuit cake. Though I enjoy the aroma of fruit cake ... I hate eating it so cheers Prince William for thinking of those guests who despise fruit cake. I always knew you were a top sort.

Australia's Biggest Morning Tea

Yesterday Brisbane's Queen Street Mall burst with energy as a Flash Mob converged to promote Australia's Biggest Morning Tea. The official date is May 26 but you can hold your event anywhere between May and June. Visit the website to find out more and to access some delicious recipes from the likes of Callum Hann and Adriano Zumbo.

A TARDIS took my finger!

"I need you to close your eyes. I need you to imagine the impro workshop has started and you're a Mum. Your child has zero artistic talent and has presented you with a REALLY ugly drawing but because it's your child, you're going to love it." - Actual dialogue.

My friend Amy is smart, gorgeous and amazingly has put up with me for the best part of a decade. Today is her 26th birthday and being a huge Doctor Who fan there was only one gift that would do ... a Gingerbread TARDIS. TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space is a fictional piece of technology used by various time lords in the series. Here is my TARDIS template which I constructed from thick cardboard ... so far so good.

I decided to follow the same Gingerbread recipe I used for my Ninjabread. So here is a photo of 250g butter with 1 cup of brown sugar beaten until creamy.

I then combined two egg yokes, 1 cup of golden syrup with the mixture before adding five cups of plain flour, 2 tablespoons of ground ginger, 2 teaspoons of mixed spice and 2 teaspoons of bicarbonate soda.

I then kneaded the dough until it combined before resting it in the fridge for half an hour. Here is the dough rolled out. Note I've decided to used a dough slicer. After laying all the pieces out carefully, I baked all the pieces for 11 minutes and even had enough left over to make a batch of gingerbread for the Improvised Theatre Class. I then lay all the pieces flat to cool, before cling wrapping them overnight. I then rose at 5am to melt the sugar, burn my fingers and glue the pieces together.

So here is the finished result. It's super ugly, but she loved it. As I said earlier, Amy has put up with me for the best part of a decade and I hope to continue to be a part of her life. Happy birthday, gorgeous girl!

The Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking

Some girls like shoes, some like handbags while I love hats and expensive coffee table books. But 'The Modernist Cuisine: The Art and Science of Cooking' might even be a stretch too far for me with a price tag of $635.

This piece of visual splendor weighs 18kgs and is a six-volume, 2,400 page molecular gastronomy how-to book by The Cooking Lab's team Nathan Myhrvold, Chris Young and Maxime Bilet. Its taken a team of 46, five years to produce and features 1,522 recipes, 3,216 photographs and reported to have cost $10 million to produce.

Reviewers might be raving about this book but don't expect me to be cooking anything from it any time soon with a 30 hour hamburger recipe and must have equipment including liquid nitrogen, a centrifuge and a tabletop homogenizer!

Crepe

But I'm a crepe.

I'm a weird-dough.

What the hell am I doing here? I doughnut belong here.

Last Will and Testament

If I die I want my Mother and Brother to know I love them, to make sure they look after Baci and to throw out the pack of 'Choc Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts' in the pantry.

I'd completely forgotten that my brother brought a pack of 'Choc Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts' until he asked if I've tried one last night. So I decided that I would take one to work, forgo my coffee and lightly toast it before enjoying a warm pastry with milk. Well that was the plan and now as I feel queasy and thus deeply regret this decision. Choc Chip Cookie Dough certainly sounds nice and I was expecting a mild biscuit base with nice pieces of tart dark chocolate puncturing the dough so as you chew it announces to your taste buds, "I'm here, hello!" Sadly 'Choc Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts' lack this and instead your nose is assaulted with the overwhelming stench of artificial substances. It's frankly awful and I'm tempted to throw its cursed twin in the bin where it will probably remain in plastic perfection in landfill. Forget batteries, plastic bags, old mobile phones, the latest threat to the environment is 'Choc Chip Cookie Dough Pop Tarts.' I really need to go and purge it from my system ... definitely not edible.

The World's Highest Restaurant Opens

The world's highest restaurant 'At.mosphere' opened in Dubai this week. Located on level 122 of Burj Khalifa (formerly Burj Dubai), the restaurant is headed by Executive Chef, Dwayne Cheer. Cheer offers guests a European style menu, heavily influenced by a Spanish designed Josper grill. The grill is a charcoal fueled, barbecue dual oven with the ability to reach 700°C.

The restaurant is accessible only by a private elevator which whisks guests 442m in a mere 57 seconds (that's almost 10 meters a second). In typical Dubai style you can expect unparalleled views and famed designer, Adam Tihany to turn on a show of opulent splendour with a spacious main dining floor with a seating capacity of 135 and a private area for 35. As expected this experience won't come cheap with starters ranging from $30 AUD to $99 AUD, while mains run from $49.50 AUD to $162.40 AUD. Diners will be charged a minimum spend of $124 AUD per person in the restaurant, and $55 AUD in the lounge. So what can you purchase for this price? Some of the world's finest ingredients:

• Chestnut and Pheasant soup
• New Zealand Pan-Seared Scallops with Ricotta Dumplings
• Beef Short Ribs
• Free-Range Australian Salt Bush Lamb
• Grilled Maine Lobster
• Pear Compote

To mark the opening of the restaurant, 442 golden coloured balloons were released - some of them bearing dinner vouchers. So keep an eye on the skies Earthlings, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones. However for the realists amongst us here are some images I've come across:

• Burj Khalifa Gallery
• Burj Khalifa Dining Reaches New Heights - Gulf News
• World's Highest Restaurant Opens in Dubai - KBOI News

The Bad Old Days

Image from the Museum of Victoria.

The 80's was a horrible era, the perm and mullet came into vogue, retinas were subjected to pastel jump suits and many a death was caused by frustrated souls throwing a satanic Rubik's Cube out a window. However salvation was at hand and I was born (and a number of others, but we're focusing on me at the moment). Though my family always offered a number of wonderful food options, we also were subjected to number of bizarre food stuffs growing up, so let's take a trip down memory lane to some products that didn't make it:

• Deli Cups
  Australian calorific death in a cup. These clear, square containers were mainly filled with cream, thin layers of sponge, sprinkles and an inbuilt spoon. They could be found everywhere from Red Rooster and your local supermarket.
  
  
• Dunkaroos
  In the olden days, we weren't too fussed about the environment and were happy to nibble on things like Le Snak and Nutella housed in landfill consuming miniature tubs. Dunkaroos followed a similar formular with sweet dip and kangaroo shaped biscuits. The Google machine informs me that these are still available in found roaming wild across the United States and some parts of Canada. But they can have them as I don't miss them.
  
  
• Golliwogs
  Arnott's still make these under the banner of Scallywags, which in my opinion seems to have an even more negative underlying tone. Oh political correctness killed the biscuit!
  
  
• Hamish and Andy Gravy Chips
  We love hot chips and gravy so in a stroke of genius, Australian comedy duo, Hamish and Andy championed the people's cause and in 1998 brought Gravy Chips to market. It makes me very sad that this flavour is no longer available on shelves.
  
  
• Kellogg's Honey Rice Bubbles
  I don't tend to enjoy cereal for breakfast as I would much rather half an animal to start my day. However I miss Kellogg's Honey Rice Bubbles! Perfectly balanced, lifted the bland nature of the traditional product and you no longer had the issue with clumps of feather light crisps stuck to honey. Why would you forsaken me Kelloggs?!
  
  
• KFC Mousse
  Deliciously light, these desserts could have been polished off at a lightning fast past with flexible red plastic teaspoons. However KFC realised this and housed this dessert in a container with a fluted base. This brought parents a few more minutes of quiet time as their child worked to extract every single scrap of mousse.
  
  
• McDonald's Flavour Shaker French Fries
  I had forgotten about the MSG goodness of Flavour Shaker French Fries until Girl Clumsy mentioned them. You can read about them in her delightful article.
  
  
• Pop Tarts
  As long as humanity boldly marches forward, we will continue to love warm chocolate desserts. Pop Tarts were the ultimate afternoon school snack as they could be easily heated in a toaster and then washed down with a glass of milk. You can still occasionally find them in specialist sweets stores.
  
  
• Red Rooster Potato Planks
  Fried potato chips coated in beer batter. No explanation required why I miss this.

I suspect that none of these things would be as satisfying as they are in memory, but I do dream of their return. Do you have any other memories of your favourite childhood snacks? Feel free to share as I would love to know.